July 14, 2008

"IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN EASIER, SOFTER WAY, THERE ARE NO DIRECTIONS."

Before recovery there was only one way to do things - my way. I was convinced I had the answers, knew the way, and thought that life would be easy, and that I would be happy, if I just got my way. After years of bullying my way through my affairs and manipulating others to get what I wanted, I was finally brought to my knees and admitted defeat.

When I began working my program, I was told it was the easier, softer way, but it sure didn't feel like it at first. There were steps, and commitments, and honest inventories, and lots of feelings, and new ways of acting and interacting with others. In the beginning I rebelled mightily against this new way of life and often longed to - and sometimes did - revert back to old ways of thinking and acting. And each time I did, my life became unmanageable once again.



As I persevered and worked my steps, something miraculous happened - I changed. And as I changed, this new way of life actually began working for me, and after a while the steps and the principles of the program became the life manual I had always wanted and had been unsuccessfully trying to write for myself. 


One day I realized that I had found the easier, softer way, and now I had the directions I always had longed for.

July 7, 2008

"THE ONLY THING AN ALCOHOLIC DOES IN MODERATION IS WORK THE STEPS."

Whenever I hear this quote in a meeting, it brings the house down with a chorus of identifying laughter. We certainly know how to go to any lengths when it comes to relationships, a new hobby or project, going to the gym, avoiding the gym, even work or our careers sometimes, but when it comes to something that may restore us to sanity - we wouldn't want to rush into anything... 



And boy can this get us into trouble. Just this week I worked myself into a frenzy with my business, and then I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to complete all the parts of the second volume of these quotes until I reached a breaking point, making myself and all those around me crazy. Completely spun out, I went to my Friday night meeting, and a friend suggested I might be into self-will. And that's when I surrendered.



I'm so grateful to have other people in my life who understand the obsessiveness of this disease and can remind me to let go and let God. While I may not obsessively pursue recovery (and I'm not sure that would be such a good idea anyway), whenever I do work my program, it works on me by restoring balance, perspective and sanity to my life. 



Working my steps may be the only thing I do in moderation, but thank God I do it consistently enough to keep me sober and to keep me coming back.